Dynamic Dimwits: The Caped Creep and Boy Blunder

Batman: "There's an eclipse of the sun due."
Robin: "But that's only for half a minute!"
Batman: "That's all we'll need, if my calculus is correct..."

When not out fighing crime, Batman and Robin lead regular lives just like the rest of us. Here is the inside scoop on what the lives of Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson are like.

The Players:

Bruce Wayne (played by George W. Bush) is Gotham's top philanthropist. He has been helping people publicly through the Wayne Foundation, and secretly in the guise of Batman. He is an international sportsman, and enjoys spelunking and falconry. These skills often come in handy when fighting crime. The one thing he cannot abide is being called a coward.

Dick Grayson (played by Tony Blair) is the determined, young ward of millionaire Bruce Wayne. It is unknown how this relationship came to be. Nevertheless, he looks up to Bruce as any son would a father, and tries to learn as much as he can from the worldly Mr. Wayne. He also hones his crime fighting skills by working alongside Batman as Robin, the Boy Wonder.

"Gosh, Bruce. That Genghis Khan was quite a guy."

Joker (played by Saddam Hussein) is the dynamic duo's most frequent and most exuberant enemy. His abilities as a master conjuror allowed him to effortlessly escape from the Caped Crusaders clutches frequently over the years, making him even more of a threat. Luckily, his crime waves often follow some pattern or theme that sometimes allows Batman and Robin to predict his next move.

The Caped Crusaders usually do the bulk of their fighting alone but they do have some crime fighting allies:

Commissioner Gordon (AKA Don “Renfield” Rumsfeld)- Commissioner Gordon has the incredibly difficult job of keeping the peace in Gotham City. He is fiercely loyal to Batman and Robin. He will often ignore proper police procedure or hand over command of his police force to give the Caped Crusaders plenty of room to do what they do best.

Chief O’Hara (AKA Tommy “Frankenstein” Franks)- Always by the Commissioner's side, Chief of Police O'Hara is the hardest-working cop in Gotham City. O’Hara is quick to condemn criminals and sometimes lets his emotions get the better of him. He is often frustrated by the many puzzles and tricks offered by Gotham's super-villains.

Alfred Pennyworth (AKA Paul “Wolfman” Wolfowitz)- Alfred is Bruce Wayne's faithful butler, and is the only person who knows Batman, Robin, and Batgirl's secret identities.

Batgirl (AKA Condie "Sleeza" Rice)- She lived a normal life like any other young adult until she finished college and returned home to Gotham City. It was then that she decided to lend a hand to the cause of justice. She is an accomplished fighter, though she mostly just kicks.

Joker: Just as Batman and Robin do not go at crime-fighting alone, Gotham City's most notorious villains need fellow partners in crime to assist them with their malicious schemes. The Caped Crusaders recognize them by consulting a special deck of cards with their pictures and bios printed on them. Some examples:

Queenie (AKA Madam Anthrax)- When she was captured by Batman, she tried to get out of it by coming on to Batman. Batman would have none of it.

Cheerleader Suzy (AKA Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks)- Captain of the Woodrow Roosevelt High School Cheerleader Squad, and secret member of Joker's gang.

Mr. Glee (AKA Tarig Azziz)-  A robot that Joker controlled by remote voice commands. Joker learned to build him as his rehabilitational training project the last time he was in prison. Mr. Glee was captured when Batman twisted his nose after discovering that he had no sense of humor.

Riptide and Wipe Out- surfer henchmen (AKA Qusay & Uday Hussein)- Their special skill is making surfboards.

Professor Greenleaf (AKA Chemical Ali)- also tried to stir up invasion anxiety, he tried to convince commissioner Gordon that Gotham would soon be filled with organisms from outer space.  

Verdigris (AKA Baghdad Bob)- disguised himself as a Martian in a green suit and ran around Gotham frightening citizens. He also helped fly Joker's flying saucer.

Locations:

For Batman and Robin, the laboratory for solving conundrums is the Bat Cave, located in the basement of stately Wayne Manor on the outskirts of Gotham City.

In Joker’s case, unlike the rest of the law-abiding citizens of Gotham City, fugitive villains can’t work in an office, or from their own homes. They must establish a 'hideout' from which they can organize and orchestrate their evil deeds. In today’s episode Joker is holed up at an abandoned launching pad factory on Flying Circus Hill.

• Joker jelly- concentrated strawberry gelatin that can change a large amount of water to jelly. When put in the Gotham City Reservoir, it was powerful enough to affect the entire city's water supply.
• Satellites- allow Joker to follow people by planting a tracking device on them.
• Jokemobile- a specialized modified roadster.
• Gas grenades- used for quick escapes.
• Human key duplicator- can skeletonize a person's body into the shape of a large key.
• Mobile- a rotating machine with many spinning pallet knives arranged on its rotating arms. The victim is strapped to a platform as the knives descend toward him.
• Paralyzing gas pellets- explode when activated by the hotdog transmitter.
• Lethal Joker buzzer- hidden in palm of the hand, causes the victim to lose his five senses one by one, just before their lungs collapse.
• Flying saucer- was designed with the help of Joker's cellmate, a mad scientist. It could travel to the sun, and had an interplanetary microphone for making pronouncements.

The Scene:

It’s early one winter morning in the library of stately Wayne manor. The formally clad butler, Alfred Pennyworth, enters the room carrying the Gotham Times newspaper on a golden plate. Drat! It seems that the secret “Manning Memo” has been leaked, revealing how Bruce W's attack on Flying Circus Hill was, from the very start, based on a big fib. After containing his rage Bruce thinks back:

In a January 31 closed door meeting, Bruce (W) had informed his youthful ward Dick Grayson that the attack would take place even if no WMDs were found. This bit of deliberate deception is unveiled in the confidential five-page memo written by David Manning, Grayson’s top foreign policy advisor at Gotham High-school, who had participated in the meeting. The Manning memo confirms the substance of the now-famous Downing Street memo from 2002, in which other Grayson aides reported that Bruce was manipulating intelligence and facts in order to support his push to invade Flying Circus hill.

Manning records that both Bruce and Dick were uptight that the WMDs were not going to be found, and this would totally undermine their public rationale for the invasion. So Bruce Wayne offered another fabrication to give them an excuse to attack. He suggested that Gotham City would paint one of their own surveillance planes in the colors of the United Nations and fly it over Flying Circus Hill, hoping that Joker would be provoked into shooting it down. If so, Batman and Robin could invade, claiming that they were retaliating for Joker’s attack on the UN.

Ultimately, that crazy plan was too far-fetched, even for the Caped Crusaders, so Bruce and his youthful ward chose to stick with the big fib that Joker had WMDs. Their confidence was buoyed when the Bat computer predicted that with a sweeping, swift victory no one would remember any of that WMD stuff anyway! And furthermore, they were assured by Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara that precise planning had allotted for plenty of police support and reinforcements. It would be a snap!

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. Yes, they were able to capture Joker, who stood outside the Ten Toes Surf shop, fist to the sky proclaiming:

Joker: “you IDIOT! You made me. Remember, you dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.”

Batman:"Shall we go into the men's locker room and put on our baggies?"

In the pursuant struggle, Batman, Robin and Batgirl, greatly outnumbered as usual, miraculously subdued the gang after a series of Whaps!, Ughs! And Crashes! But some of Joker’s criminal associates were allowed to escape and they melted back into the Gotham underground only to resurface as a unified Joker juggernaut possibly directed by the Master of Maudlin Mockery himself from his jail cell.

... Meanwhile, Flying Circus Hill is now a bloody mess, and Bruce W says his fibs will continue at least until 2009. Oh, look here, breaking news coming across the teletype; The Riddler (AKA Osama) has made a new statement designed to puzzle the Caped Crusaders... don't touch that dial, the Bat phone is ringing...stay tuned.

Sources:
"Bush Was Set on Path to War, Memo by British Adviser Says," The New York Times, March 27, 2006.

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